Why would the world make sense, why would everything be easy? It never is and it shouldn't be. We take it all laying down or we stand up and try to act. Nobody can really control anything, nobody knows what is coming. If I take this one thing for myself, what does it mean for the next man? Who really cares about the next man anyway? We carefully attempt to surround ourselves with the chosen few that we will actually bother caring about. Some seem to be better at this than others. Sometimes we surround us with people who aren't worth our love, parasites who only keep up the facade, mimic other people's behavior without actually knowing why. Empty hours of wasted energy spent fooling oneself. What do we really see in others anyway? Is it ultimately not what we want to see? Don't we only see exactly that which we are looking for, blatantly ignoring all the rest? Ignorance is bliss and nobody keeps us ignorant quite like we ourselves can. Who ever takes the time to second-guess his relationships unless they stab you right in the face? And even then, it is much easier and less upsetting to just be lazy and not act against the stabbers. But it kept happening, a repeating pattern of selfish disregard for my livelihood, my sanity. It is only in retrospect, after having taken enough steps back, now that I have an overview of the battlefield, the mess she left behind, that I realize I made one big mistake. I never stopped caring because that was all I knew, that was easy, that was safe, because I saw her only as the girl I used to love. But she changed. So who is really to blame? Is it she, for continuously stepping on my heart or is it me for putting my heart under her stilettos time and time again? I opened my eyes to who she really is and she isn't worth keeping close. Or is she? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I have no desire to fight with her anymore, no desire to compare her life to mine anymore. What does it even matter after all? I don't know who she is and by god I would do well to keep it that way. She taught me a lot of things, she brought out the best in me from time to time, she made me happy, she tried to change me. Why? I never tried to change her, even though there's a lot that could use some alteration. How can you think you love someone if you would like to alter the very core of their being? Give people time and they will bloom by themselves. She failed to be there for me, instead she chose to run. I hope you have good running shoes because you might be running for quite a while. Even though you decided long ago to step out of my life, I now permanently closed the door to you. There's no coming back. Your seat's been taken.