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Thank you for the Nougat

zondag, augustus 19, 2007


“you know, this is the problem with talking
you never get to say the things that you want to say
and then when you get the chance to say it
just words are not enough
so you just lock up, you don't say anything
and that's when you hear silence
or worse, you don't
you hear just like some filler
something to take up the space
fill in the gap that's there because you don't know how to say what you really want to say
probably it can't be said”

- Four eyed monsters, 0:52:02

For years I have found the medium of speech to be utterly inadequate to communicate. Incapable to properly articulate my hasty and incoherent thoughts, I can not stand an actual conversation. I am more prone to enjoy a long drawn monologue because I just love to hear myself talk. I hate it when my train of thought is interrupted by something as trivial as another person's thoughts. It is truly invigorating to just start talking and all the while slowly discover the pattern of your own thoughts, slowly growing on and on. It's not a matter of not being able to listen to other people. It's a matter of feeling something come together in your mind, feeling as if you have something sensible and meaningful to say and then suddenly totally losing it because of someone else dragging you off with them on a different tangent. I hate how in a conversation half of the potential sensible things I wish to say just never come out because of this. I've had a lot of practice in having actual conversations as of late. All of this thanks to this internship. I've come to know a hell of a lot about a handful of people I've met here. I've had conversations with people that have made us all open up and put ourselves in the most vulnerable of positions and I don't think any of us regret that. Yet after all of this I always end up being afraid that I'm too self-involved, that I just want other people to feel sorry for me and my sad little life. I tell myself to tone it down, to give other people a chance to talk, a chance to share whatever they wish to share. I never ask, I never show real interest, I never encourage people to really open up to me. Maybe this time it was different, maybe this time I really cared. Still I'm not sure if that really came across, if I really managed to control my need to be heard. People really do influence each other in the shortest of times. During the past month I maybe didn't get any chance to actually reflect on any of this but I would like to think that I have indeed altered my perspective just the slightest bit because of some people around me in the last month. I used to joke about how certain people can just be filling stations for someone's self-esteem and even though that cynicism is still in me I have come to see that it's much more than that.

opgehoest door Sicyon
11:10

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5 Comments:

Blogger Somatik said...

you were saying?

18:52  
Blogger Unknown said...

I hate it when my train of thought is interrupted by something as trivial as another person's thoughts

Ik ga u gedachten nekeer goed onderbreken zenne

TETTEN

16:50  
Blogger Prayag Narula said...

I would think you are a good conversationalist. But yeah, u are a little self involved.

But who isn't ?

18:55  
Blogger Sicyon said...

Fre: Ik denk dat tetten enkel u gedachten zullen onderbreken. Blokken, trut.

Soma: mensen kunnen dienen om je zelf-vertrouwen even bij te vullen. Ma dat is vrienden beschouwen als gebruiksobjecten.

AA: Everybody is. Just to a different extent. Nice dinner with amanda last night.

03:07  
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10:02  

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