dinsdag, oktober 28, 2008

He always slept closest to the wall. This one sentence would most accurately characterise the whole dynamic of their relationship, he later realised. He always slept closest to the wall, often laying on his side, to give her all the extra space she normally enjoyed had he not been there and always giving her the easy way out for a toilet visit. He would spend long nightly hours awake, agonizing over his uncomfortable position but all the while still enjoying her warmth and presence. His raging hormones would urge his mind to ignore the fatigue, to ignore the lack of circulation in his arm. Undoubtedly this is an unfair portrayal of the real dynamic of their relationship. In a sense their dynamic was very much akin to the most basic and naturally instinctive dynamic between man and woman. He was so happy to have someone to take care off, someone to nurture. It gave him purpose, it gave him energy and most of all it gave him a positive sense of self. This instant gratification in the form of happiness gave him all the needed motivation to take this concept to the extreme, to essentially become a non-entity, a drone serving the queen bee. In a sense it was a self-powering downward spiral. At first she would enjoy being cared for, instinctively feeling happy about that love and support but gradually it derailed. Instead of developing a strong personality in a growing and maturing relationship, he faded away into non-existence. He became an overbearing caretaker, smothering a flame which was in dire need of air, jumping through hoops for her which she wasn’t even really holding up. The rising water level didn’t seem to give her a tangible clue as to what the reason was for the sinking ship. She was largely ignorant of what gave her all these feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Either that or she miserably failed to communicate her feelings. At this point in time, most young people will act alike. They will break rank, they will panic and flee. Take the easy way out and never ever look back until you’ve surely escaped the treacherous grip of the post-relationship quagmire. All in all, what happened, was predestined. Their personalities, their deepest priorities and needs, were misaligned. The only thing that kept the whole charade going for so long were funny hormones, the whole being in love bit. For two young kids, experiencing for the first time the power of love and the happiness it can bring, to blatantly ignore the fact that they are wrong for each other, is the most common thing of all.

He always slept closest to the wall. Only in the most honest of moods would he quietly admit to himself that he slept there because in reality he was just afraid of falling out of the bed were he to sleep on the other side.

opgehoest door Sicyon
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